Poop-gate: The Biggest Poop Scandal to Hit D.C.

Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals

Hi friends,

I’m just going to get right to it because boy, oh boy, do I have story for you! First came Watergate, and then Deflate-gate, then Earring-gate (old blog post I deleted) and which was then followed by Poop-gate: The Biggest Poop Scandal to Hit D.C. 

My friends and I do an annual trip to the wineries on a party bus in the fall. This year, I invited my friend- who we will call Gina, to be my guest. The itinerary of the trip is strict. We had to arrive at my friend’s house by 9:30 and be on the bus by 10/10:30. I wanted to be one of the first people at my friend’s house, we will call her Tasha. So anyway, I was trying to get there early to pregame before the bus pregame because I only see these people once a year and the goal is always to leave an impression.

Being the psycho that I am, I woke up at 5:30 AM to get ready like it was my senior prom and I was going to let my date go to third base. I made her wake up early as well because my fake FOMO (fear-of-missing-out) disease kicked in and I couldn’t wait any longer.

I forced Gina to pick me up from my house (she lives two minutes away from me) and called an Uber to pick us up from her house. The Uber app shows that our driver is ten minutes away. Gina ran back into her house saying she needed to take care of some business. I wait outside; actually I was spinning by myself around the cul-de-sac. I’ve been waiting for the trip since it ended last year.

Side note: When I’m ready to go, I’m ready to go and I couldn’t sit still for the rest of the world to catch up.

Gina leaves her house with a frown, but I don’t let it bring me down because we are literally about to have the greatest day drinking experience of our lives. Our Uber has finally arrived.

We’re finally at my friends house and I am ready to knock back mimosas like I have a twenty-five year life sentence at a maximum security prison that starts in four hours. It’s 10:10ish; I’m turnt, and we herded onto the bus.

15032729_602054033311614_2735369005825574874_nEveryone is talking, drinking, being young, wild, and free. I’m smiling like I’ve fallen in love. “Gosh,” I think, “my life isn’t half-bad.”

All of the sudden, in the midst of my new appreciation to life, I smell the nastiest stench I’ve ever whiffed in my life. HOLY FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? WHY THE FUCK DOES IT SMELL LIKE THAT? Now, I’m just screaming. I can’t stop screaming at this point. Tasha, looking disappointed, mouthed stop.

Me, being the ignorant individual that I am, doesn’t stop. In fact, I start screaming louder. Why does it smell like doo-doo up in here?

I carry perfume in my purse at all times. I grab my bottle of Victoria’s Secret spray and start spraying the whole bus. I don’t care about anyone at this point. This smell, the smelly smell, literally the worst fucking smell I’ve ever smelled in my life was ruining my day.

I am so shocked that the bus could smell like shit. I finally calm down a little and go back to my seat. Next thing I realize is that Gina isn’t on the bus anymore. I’m confused, distraught, and in the midst of trying to figure it out, a door opens. Gina walks out the bus bathroom and everyone looks at her and then all the attention is directed towards me. I am mortified, while everyone is laughing.

The Confrontation:

Gina finally sits down; we are reunited. I had the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach, but I knew I had to do the right thing. I let her know exactly what happened, how I couldn’t stop screaming, how I sprayed perfume everywhere, how I couldn’t let a normal human body function be a normal human body function.

You guys don’t really understand how great of a person she is because after all the commotion I caused, she turns to me and says, “It’s okay. We’re all drinking and I’m sure everyone will forget.”

That is my best fucking friend. I love her to pieces. I am literally the worst person in the whole wide world and I am constantly blessed by human angels. It’s her birthday today and what better was to celebrate a great person by showing the world how much of an asshole I am and how at the end of the day, she loves me for who I am.

Yo, that’s a deep-ass-bond right there.

Anyway friends, thanks for reading. I hope you guys enjoyed it. I love you all!

~till next time

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PS: Gina, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. I should be the one embarrassed, which I am.

 

 

 

 

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